The Tycoon’s Inferno, Nine Circles of 200X Music Hell
I awoke on a hill, right road lost and there was no music, so I worked my way up the hill. My left foot always higher than the right. Then suddenly a She-wolf came at me an forced me back down the hill. When all seemed lost I was approached by a spirit, whom said unto me. “Hey Ho Let’s Go! Get up you loser! Make your way through another path. To know good music you must become aware of the bad.” And like a marathon runner that thinks to give up and is then strengthened by his runner’s high, I too rose up and was heartened by the spirits familiar words.
“Joey Ramone?” I asked “Is that you? Have you been resurrected from the dead to help me on this grievous quest?” and I asked myself. “How did I get here?”
The spirit replied, “No I was not buried in the pet cemetery. I was asked to help you remember those albums which blighted your last decade, So decended with me to the pit of despair and enter the Nine Circles of Tycoonus Inferus.”
So we walked along the path and came to a river where sat a band of Hardcore Punks. The Spirit told me that this was the resting place of music that no longer has a place in your world.
0. The Indifferent
Here’s an album I just Couldn’t care less about. What’s it been like 6-7 years since H2O was putting out records. I lost that sense of ‘let’s fight everyone side by side” back in 2003 I think. That’s what we really need it more song about which you and your bullshit friends can sing a long to and say things like. “Back in the days of Hardcore…..” or “We are family for life man!” Frankly, no one cares that H2O put out a new record. That sound went the way of the dodo after Rancid’s Indestrucible sorely disappointed the masses.
We moved on as the spirit had procured us passage to the fiery continent. I made my way past a pair of bands, that were awaiting judgement.
Seriously, What the hell happened to punk rock from the late 90’s. These bands just started churning out crap to produce music for their fans to buy. Now you can’t even go to a show without a solid ¾ of the night being songs by a band you love that you don’t know. Maybe the songs are good maybe they suck, and probably the latterover the former but you couldn’t care to find out. You just want to hear Pezcore and Maniacal Laughter. What a waste of thirty bucks! AND WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE GOOD T-SHIRTS?
I saw in the Winds of the second circle a blond beauty dancing. As we moved closer Joey Ramone warned me of the folly of excess of fanbase and spreading yourself likeness too far out.
Gwen Stefani – Anything after NO Doubt
Nope, you were a ska goddess. You were cute and quirky and you had a style all your own. Then that very style was twisted and you made hand bags and you made perfume. Ska Bands do not make perfume. There’s not Specials Hair Gel, or Reel Big Fish Toothpaste. Less Than Jake didn’t make scented candles. We loved you Gwen, but that love wasn’t good enough, you wanted the love of everyone. And in doing so you alienated the very people that made you.
The Apparition of Joey Ramone pointed to a flaxen haired man in this late 30’s, rapping about how everyone thinks he’s an asshole, but secretly loves him.
Are you still putting out records? Really, who has bought one of your records in the last 5 years. You were a novelty when I was in high school. Take the friggin’ chip off your shoulder, raise your daughter to not be trash, and not act like you. I’m sure you’re very talented. If Dr. Suess were still alive you could start a group called WWA Wiggas w/ Attiude. The only other white dudes I know that rap are Clown Metal Bands. Sadly, my friend they have a pretty sizable fan base out in the Midwest. I did like those first two albums, but truth be told I’m just not feeling it anymore.
I meet the spirit at the entrance to the fourth Circle where what looked like a circus or late twenty somethings where all stand on their heads… only the keyboardist was not inverted.
Motion City Soundtrack – Even if it Kills Me
Here is a classic example of a band that really had some great momentun, and then just flat out screwed the pooch. First Two Records where killer and uplifting then they put out a third while touring and taking on a media frenzy. This was rushed, and sloppy, it has a couple ok songs but on the whole I have trouble listening to the thing without fearing something loathsome will reach my ears. You have great live shows and I hope this is just a case of forcing talent, but guys give it a better go next time around.
Joey Called for us to leave and enter the City of Dis (chord). There was a racket going on inside and I was not looking forward to this journey to Rock N’ Roll High School Hell.
This is what I get for reading Maxim. It’s like hardcore music for beginner’s. Start with an intro, explain where you came from and how “real” shit was where you came from. Talk about your dead friend, that died in a violent gang type misdealing. Whats the name of the street you lived on? Oh let’s make that the name! Ok everyone dress like Eminem, remember don’t remove the stickers on those caps or fold the bills, we’ll need to return them, after a tough guy ghetto shoot for the cover of this album. This was supposed to be like a super group for hardcore fans, it turned out to be a joke. It was like a hardcore punk pissing contest. Every other had song sad a friggin’ soliloquy about the above mentioned topics. It was laughable at best, obnoxious at worst.
Then he pointed to the inner square of the city. I saw a band of three well known punks preaching against the war in Iraq. The spirit told me that they will do this for all time, this is their punishment.
Green Day – American Idiot
Do not confuse my stance. The war in The Middle East is bad. I hate that war. But Green Day, guys what the hell? We get it. You were a fun loving bunch that sang about being crazy doing low impact drugs and maybe masturbating while you folks were out of the house. It’s just not appropriate to switch gears like that. Don’t be all fun and silly then get all serious-like just to be topical. Come on guys what more topical than good old fashion 3 minute punk tunes about being a loser. And for the record, quit calling us idiots we didn’t vote for Bush our red state, idiot, war mongering, elders did.
“Gabba Gabba Hey!” called the Ramone. “This is the domain of the Violent. There are three kinds of Violence, this level houses each one. Separately.
Rancid – Let the Dominoes Fall
I was embarrassed for Rancid when this came out. Something like 5 years after Lars Fredericksen told us at warped tour 2004 that there would be a new record in 2005. 2006 came and went Lars had produced two records with his band that were brilliant. The Transplants even put out another album. 2007 nothing. 2008, I saw them Live at what was easily the best show I’ve ever been to. And when this LP surfaced in 2009 I had the same reaction I did when I heard that Boondock Saints had a Sequel in theatres finally. Really? should I be impressed? That’s coming from a die hard Rancid fan. It’s an ok record, that is to say I let it play a few times, and then listened to something else. You cats waited too long and kept baiting us with side projects. FOCUS BOYS, you were gods once and I believe that one day you will redeem yourselves, this was not a comback album.
AFI – December Underground
Even though I liked, Sing the Sorrow, I was very apprehensive about the twist in the bands sound. Sure there was a range of music I hadn’t heard before from you, but honestly when I heard DU I was pissed. This isn’t a friggin’ symphony. Davey Havok… Where was the Havok? Where was the revenge? Where was the anger? WHERE WAS THE FIRE? Did It burn out? Is it smoldering somewhere? Did you let MTV have it, and they lost it? Very Proud of Ya I was NOT. Great you guys know your instruments inside and out now. You had a pretty good grasp on The Art of Drowning, where did that sound go. Why does every single song sound like a dirge? I’ve lost hope in you at this point. You put out a new album I haven’t even illegally downloaded it yet.
Heavens – Patent Pending
Guys, No one cares that youre roomates and decided to cash in on your moderate fan bases by combining forces. It was a mediocre effort, boys. Talented as you both are, You can’t get by on talent alone. ALK3 has been so successful as of late that I wonder if you’ve lost that muse Matt. The one that made you write songs about shitty girls and drinking. That can happen when you have a girlfriend and you’re not out their trying to play the game and you’re looking at silverware. John ,I have no idea I couldn’t tell you one F-Minus song I just never checked it out, BUT you let Matt do this and you’re to blame as well. And Matt aren’t you like a Satanist or something. What are you 15? Do you have power crystals too? Sorry, I dig your music but come on that’s crazier than the Jesus freaks.
“I must make my way from this place lest I became tainted by it’s evil. Remain Resilient and know that There is a place which mirrors the Inferno.” said The spirit. “I know,” I told him. “I wrote about it in my last post.” And then he vanished.
Good Charlotte – Good Charlotte
You are not and will never be punk rock. I bought this album on a whim and basically because I was on a date and wanted to make a good impression. That make up looks ridiculous. How much did you pay Rancid to say they hung out with you. I won’t pique anyone’s interest in you by writing more than that.
Suicide Machines – Self Titled
Who the hell is this band? What did you guys do after Battle Hymns? Did you all lose a testicle? There was chaos and yelling and thrashing and ska ….. and then pop punk? Pop Punk?! Listen I loved Blink 182 when I was 19. But that was one of many bands I liked. You were a solid Ska- Punk band that went hard one album, then you went bouncy? I hate that this is your self titled album. Nothing could be more not you. I’d say BURN! But you’ll prolly just use the flame to roast marshmallows and WAIT!? AREN’T YOU FROM DETRIOT? SHAME ON YOU! Even Kiss is mad at you I bet.
As I descended into the lowest part of hell I came to an angel covered in oil and grime. The angel was River Cuomo, and in his mouth he was chewing on the Blue Album and Pinkerton and spitting them into the Freezing Lake of Fire below.
I’ve long held the belief that River Cuomo saved Rock from the grunge era. With something that launched a whole wave of Geek Rock bands. After Pinkerton sure I felt a sadness about the band not producing anything else. Then the Green Album came out. And I cried “Poor effort! Just quit while you’re ahead.” Instead you decided that you’d Hasten you’re fall from Grace. Then you get Experimental. I balked at the heresy. Praying you’d stop there. BUT NO You Put out Make Believe and Pitchfork burned you with a .4 out of 10. Pitchfork was like Michael the Archangel in that sense. Now you were at the bottom, but like a crack head you needed to feel that high again. And the Red Album was born. I was barely aware of it when Raditude came out. STOP STOP STOP. BLUE and Pinkerton were amazing albums youshould have stopped over a decade ago. Change your name or something. It hurts to hear your name. It hurts me when people say that I too look just like Buddy Holly. You are not reigning in Hell, you are just making Heaven less cool.